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Deah Curry PhD

Illusions & The Gift of Allowing

I saw a post on resilience today and it prompted the following thoughts. Times are tough for many right now, and conventional wisdom preaches we must be strong to survive. We must set aside indulging in the emotions of grief, the paralysis of overwhelm, the shock of some traumatic happening.

 

We must build resilience by using frustration to fuel action in order to overcome hardships. Stay positive.

 

This is likely true when recovering from a natural disaster. When our needs are at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy, psychologically we’ll fare best when we feel like we are taking control, accomplishing something, making a difference that moves us forward.

 

But if the resilience mode becomes a way of being, it can be destructive and counter-productive.

 

Resilience can be an illusion like any other. Living like we’re always the only one who can fix things, who will rise to the occasion, who leap into action before anyone else in an emergency is physically and emotionally exhausting.

 

It can also be a way to distance not only from the wholeness of ourselves, but from others as well. Denying the impact of difficult things on our psyches, our energy, our attitude and outlook on life prevents the full measure of healing to take root when most needed.

 

The resilience mode is related to the illusion of being proudly self-sufficient. Don’t like being thought of as needy, as high maintenance, an energy vampire? Good, as those traits can become manipulative and toxic. Of course, being self-sufficient is generally good for self-competence and self-confidence, unless we take it too far. Refusing help when needed from those who truly care about our well being is taking self-sufficiency too far.

 

And pride run amok gets in the way of the necessity of surrender when giving over control would be good for us. Every solid relationship requires give and take, which is another way of saying surrender and command, although even better is to strive for mutual alignment for getting our needs met.

 

This is coming from not only my training as a psychotherapist, but also from my personal experience. I've been so steeped in those illusions of self-sufficiency and resilience that I insisted I didn't need help and support from family and friends when I got cancer and went thru chemo. I didn't want to "bother" them. And I didn’t want to surrender what resolve I had for being independent in my senior years. I didn’t want to feel like I was now repeatedly failing at taking care of myself.

 

It's interesting to me that enlightenment can come from observing how we operate in difficult times. I’m seeing things differently now, although the impulse for resilience and self-sufficiency is still there. Those modes pop up like the jerking of a leg when the knee is hit with a reflex mallet.

 

We can work on recognizing that reflex and having a different response to it. Wanna come take out my trash? Run the vacuum? Empty the sink of coffee cups? Pick me up off the floor in the middle of the night when I've fallen and am too weak to get myself up? You bet. Come on over. Here, let me give you a key in case I can’t get to the door.

 

For those of us who are overly resilient, letting people in and allowing them to practice their love language of helping out is a gift we can give. Let’s not be stingy with it.

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