How I’m Not Panicked

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I’ve been asked by a number of people how I can be facing a terminal diagnosis with a short prognosis, and be in such good spirits about it. Good question. How indeed.

I’ve been pondering that myself. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Let’s see if it makes sense.

Theory #1: It’s Not Real to Me Yet

Relatively speaking, I feel pretty good. As of yet, the cancer pain has been all pre- diagnosis, pre-treatment – not counting the irritating side effects of chemo such as peripheral neuropathy. (Read Sparklers and Marshmallows for more on that)

Maybe my good spirits are due to the homeopathy and acupuncture working to nearly erase the neuropathy completely.

Normally, I didn’t have that active a lifestyle anyway. Having a home-based business for some 25 years or more, and being a writer since retirement, has been by necessity fairly sedentary, chained as it was to the computer and phone. So nothing much has changed when subtracting the past 22 months spent in hospital, chemo, and recovery.

But I do have a pain in my back that as far as I know predates the cancer by decades and is not connected to it in any way. And recently my legs ache in way that reminds me of having growing pains as a kid. Combined, these two conditions often make me feel weak and unstable, and in danger of falling. It’s that which is wearing me down and limiting my mobility.

It’s also that which merits a handicap placard for my car. And still when I can’t park right up against a store, restaurant or office building, the effort to get inside from the parking lot can require two or three days to recover.

Fortunately my naturopathic doctor is a fellow of the American Board off Naturopathic Oncologists. She prescribed a supplement with collagen, keratin, Boswellia, curcumin, and hya-leuronic acid that seems to be regrowing the cushioning around the L5 vertebrae without leaving me chronically sleepy like narcotic pain killers do.

Theory #2: I’m A Capricorn & Not Prone to Panic

I’ve found knowing a bit of astrology useful as a kind of personality inventory. In general, Capricorns tend to take things in stride. We don’t emotionally over-react to challenges, but look for solutions and work-arounds.

Or perhaps, as an introvert I’m holding it all so deep inside that the fear of a terminal diagnosis is out of my own reach. Consciously, I’ve just never felt fear since presented with having only 6-24 months to live.

The first time a doctor said that was about 21 months ago. So I have a hard time giving that prognosis thing much credibility. The second doc in January 2025 gave me 6 months, which I’ve outlived. The fallibility of prognoses is now a source of amusement to me.

I hear Medicare in the distance bemoaning that I’m not dying fast enough.

That might be the dark humor of my Scorpio Rising.

Theory #3: Metaphysical Logic or Delusion

Fear of death is a cultural construction, an inherited expectation. We are socialized into fearing death, and dreading loss. Of course, there is real emotional pain when a family member dies, and often drastic economic and safety pain, too.

At first this is all projected onto people who are older than we are. Then as parents, we invest that fear in our kids, and what it would mean to lose them. Sooner or later, as we age and become the senior citizen, we start to transfer that fear to ourselves. Maybe I’m simply not old enough yet.

In this country, a lot of this fear is also used as a control mechanism by the dominant religion. One life is all you get. Follow the rules if you want to be saved. Sin and you’ll go to hell and burn forever are pretty powerful ways to manipulate how people think and behave.

I dumped that belief system long ago. Its fears don’t infect me now.

Intuitively it makes sense to me that as souls that exist forever because souls are consciousness and consciousness is energy which can’t be destroyed only transformed.  I like the idea that we can choose to live many lifetimes. That we plan those lifetimes to encounter certain experiences with specific other souls.

I look forward to designing the next time around, complete with its new and familiar souls, lessons, challenges, and joys.

What’s to panic about that prospect?

Theory #4: My Regrets are Few

While there are no doubt many accomplishments I did not achieve, and relationships that weren’t successful, I’m not leaving behind a bunch of crushing disappointments and heart-breaking sorrows about anything.

I’ve tried to learn the lesson from whatever didn’t go my way. The lesson to let go. To  move on. Seemed a good recipe for emotional balance, right?

Theory #5: I’m Curious Not Fearful about the Great Unknown

Long ago I learned that curiosity can be very powerful. But let me distinguish between curiosity and catastrophe thinking.  

True curiosity is open to the possibility of wonder. Of gaining new understanding. Of creating more enlightenment. Catastrophe thinking is an anxious ruminating on everything that could go wrong. Everything that might prevent success.

In my experience, the church pushed a lot of catastrophe thinking, and actively worked to stifle genuine curiosity about the Unknown. That became clear to me after sitting through too many fear-mongering us versus them sermons. Realizing there was a healthier way to interact with life’s natural processes helped me prepare for this journey to the Summerland.

What’s your theory about why I’m not panicked? I’d love to hear about it.